Oft-times, on my twitter account, I will spout off about the Wizard that I work with. My workplace is a haven for social undesirables and crackpots, being tucked away in an industrial estate 2 miles from a town either way. The oddest of the lot are
Wasp Eye. If you don't know of him, look him up on http://www.billybullshit.com/ he is our manager and a source of many elaborate stories.
Guy. A 6ft9 morbidly obese lunatic who looks like Dr. Robotnik crossed with Professor Weet-o. Having some form of learning difficulties he flits from giggling and joking to violently kicking the headlights off of a car in less than a second. This is a bad drawing of him, he is actually fatter as you can see here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxSqlBkLJ4k
Doom Sponge. The lowest possible form of human being. Miserable, warty, caravan owning absorber of glumness. Spent his whole 10 year marriage breaking down due to the fact he spent every waking moment away from his wife through his own choice until they split up, whereupon he began finding new reasons to be depressed. This is a man who happily admits to going to the pub just to look glum in the hopes somebody will buy him a drink.
His insistence on correcting you if you say 'sweets' or 'chocolate'- "Do you mean candy" he asks, "I call it that because I have been to America" *smug smile*. He grew up in Slough, and spent 10 days in America 10 fucking years ago.
The way he claims anyone over 17 is "too old". He has dated 9 different 16-17 year old girls in the two years since he started at my work, AND HE REFUSES TO SLEEP WITH THEM. This is, to me, even creepier than someone preying on young girls for sex. He has what he calls "The three month rule" where he spends the initial part of any relationship ensuring they get to spend no time together alone because in his words he is "not a smut monster". He lost two girlfriends through refusing to stay at their homes because he didn't have pyjamas, and the other 7 all felt unwanted and unattractive after 2 months of getting turned down. We have attempted to explain that pretty much the only reason any 17 year old wants a boyfriend who is pushing 30 is to get some sexual practise in before moving on to someone closer in age to them but he is having none of it claiming they are all "innocent and sweet"
His referring to himself not only as "shiny" but also in the third person. "Steve is Shiny today isn't he?" he will ask us before saying to himself "Steve is always shiny"
He pays his mum £50 a month to live, pays no bills and has all of his food paid for. He cannot understand why I am so "old and boring" and don't spend my life shopping and going out to parties. He doesn't seem to understand that most people have to live in the real world.
He makes me draw doodles like this